The Devil went up to Georgia (Hell is below most everywhere, geographically speaking) looking for a soul to steal. Some guy with a fiddle told the Devil that he could have his soul if he out-fiddled him, so the Devil just took his soul.
The Devil went to Cabo San Lucas for Spring Break. Incorrigible.
I’m bored on my lunch break and I came up with an idea based on recent events. This is meant to rank those in the MMA sphere, be they media, fighter, or otherwise, who have displayed exemplary idiocy. I’ve left off a few people (Lloyd Irvin, namely) in the interest of keeping it somewhat lighter in tone, but rest assured that he is an idiot. Without further ado, the MMA Idiocy Power Rankings:
1. Matt Mitrione
Mitrione’s transphobic, disgusting rant about Fallon Fox while visiting on the MMA Hour is the real high-water mark (low-water mark?) for idiocy among those in the MMA community in recent memory. Though the UFC was quick to forgive and forget (and reward Mitrione with a fairly big fight), Mitrione’s idiocy will stand the test of time.
2. Front Row Brian
A perennial contender to top these power rankings, MMA “media” “personality” Front Row Brian mixes a faux-edgy personality and a penchant for conspiracy theory into a lovely mix of stupid. Specifically, the reason for his current place on this list is his recent conspiratorial garbage in relation to the Boston Marathon bombings. Tact has never been his strong point (if someone can let me know what his strong point is, that would be great), but the tinfoil hat routine is exceptionally grating.
3. Nate Diaz
The 209 crew is well-known for their abrasive attitude and confrontational nature, so this most recent indiscretion is far from surprising. However, it is a step up in the outright stupidity category. Nate’s choice of descriptor for fellow fighter Brian Caraway, which I won’t bother to repeat, is exactly the sort of behavior that will land a UFC employee in hot water (at least in 2013). Honorable mention to manager Mike Kogan for his boneheaded response to the initial tweet.
4. Joe Rogan
As the UFC’s color commentator, Rogan is given more chances than most to make a fool of himself. A few months ago, he made an unfortunate homophobic joke on FX that set off a string of impressive idiocy. Following that, on his podcast, Rogan made some less than informed comments about Fallon Fox. They were not as egregious and outwardly hateful as Mitrione’s, but they were certainly hurtful. Even later, Rogan talked about the strong character of Lloyd Irvin, a man whose reprehensible behavior speaks for itself.
5. Dana White
Dana White, the president of the UFC and foremost MMA hypocrite, is a constant fountain of idiocy, and as such there will always be a place for him on this list. Though recently he has been relatively innocuous, his comments in a recent article on the makeup of UFC contracts do not paint him in a good light.
It was Spring of 2013 and Nick had writer’s block. At a loss for ideas, he decided to write about his writer’s block. Too self-referential? Probably. Had it been done before? Surely. But did that matter? Of course not, anything to get him writing again.
So Nick wrote about his writer’s block. It took some time to get started, he needed an angle to attack it from. He took one of his favorite approaches to framing a story, setting the scene very minimally with a time, place, or date to establish the world. Given his circumstances at the time as a blocked writer in the Spring of 2013, he started with “It was Spring of 2013 and Nick had writer’s block.” At first it seemed like a difficult subject to tackle in any depth, but by the time he was writing the second paragraph, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And so Nick finished writing about his writer’s block.
The year is 2221. The former Earth town of Jupiter, Florida has relocated to Mars and has been newly christened Jupiter, Mars. The reason for the exodus was less glamorous than many previous space colonizations such as Anchorage, Alaska moving to the Earth’s moon as a publicity stunt for a movie being made about the town. But nothing so fancy for Jupiter, these people were moving because the Earth was mere hours from destruction at the hands of a large, angry cockroach. The fatal flaw of this pest and its plan was its probable inability to survive outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, not even twinkies could suffer such a fate.
And so, the residents of Jupiter, Mars tried to make a go of it. But Mars sucks. The terraforming was only a few decades old when they arrived and the atmosphere was breathable, but only barely. This greatly restricted the physical activity of the residents, and they became hopelessly depressed.
After three years of miserable existence on Mars, the residents of Jupiter received the break they had been waiting for. A giant cockroach floated into their orbit, landed on Mars, and destroyed all of Jupiter, Mars in seconds. Gross.
I hold your hand and tell you that I’m scared to try. I’m scared to fail. You reassure me and tell me it will all be great, but I’m lacking in self-confidence. You assure me that I’m not alone in this, and so I begin.
I try my very best to play “Through The Fire And Flames” on expert in Guitar Hero III and fail within seconds. I crumple up into a ball and tell you it’s over. I can’t take all the lying.
Matt left his house in search of some sort of deeper meaning to his life. He visited the pond around the corner from his home and stared into the not-nearly-as-blue-as-it-should-be body of water for nearly an hour. Alas, there was no meaning to be found. Matt walked to the highway overpass and watched traffic stop and start for a bit. There was certainly some symbolism to it, but it was nothing profound. He visited the local McDonald’s, he so rarely treated himself to such cheap, delicious garbage, and he was on an adventure.
Two hours later, Matt was back on his block running for home with a severe case of food poisoning. He arrived home just in time, but found that he had locked himself out. Defeated twice over, Matt collapsed in the driveway and considered the deeper meaning of his life.
Kevin burned everything that reminded him of Janet. The pictures of the two of them ballroom dancing? Burned. The dress she left in his closet? Burned. His closet? Burned. His apartment? Up in flames.
When the police arrived, Kevin was halfway through undressing and burning the clothes off his back. They loaded him into the back of the car while the firefighters arrived on scene.
The prison cell reminded Kevin of Janet, but it wouldn’t burn.
I have internet connectivity problems
Problems connecting with the world outside
My laptop says I have internet connectivity problems
But I don’t want to talk to customer service
So I have internet connectivity problems
Until this shit fixes itself
The God Couple - Season 2, Episode 1
This is another script for part of an episode of The God Couple, starring Benson Henderson and Fedor Emelianenko as mismatched roommates trying to make their way in the world. Please check out the past 3 episode excerpts that I’ve written if you haven’t, and the new one is right here.
Previous episodes: 1. http://tmblr.co/ZEItXwIMS70C 2. http://tmblr.co/ZEItXwISwa0l 3. http://tmblr.co/ZEItXwKmDZeU