Important Nonsense

I wrote a script about the state of MMA PR, marketing, and...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 20:03:39 -0400

I wrote a script about the state of MMA PR, marketing, and management. Enjoy.

I Write Down Good Reasons To Freeze To Death

Fri, 31 May 2013 17:56:00 -0400

Whenever I listen to the song “Broom People” by The Mountain Goats, I’m always struck by this one line, “I write down good reasons to freeze to death.” It has a poignancy that really resonates with me and makes me want to list these reasons. And so I have.

Good Reasons To Freeze To Death

- Preservation: This is the obvious one, right? In the event that you find yourself frozen to death, there is always the remote possibility that you might someday be thawed out and resurrected. Captain America style. Neat. Or terrifying. I’ll go with neat.

- It’s really hot.

- “Excruciating muscle cramps in the arms and legs, severe pain in the back and kidneys, a burning sensation of the skin and face, headaches, nausea, restlessness, sweating, vomiting, an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, and psychological phenomena such as the feeling of impending doom.” These are the symptoms of a Irukandji jellyfish sting, not freezing to death. Advantage: Freezing to death.

- Ice cube envy (cubes of ice, not Ice Cube the rapper).

The Devil Went Up To Georgia

Tue, 21 May 2013 11:52:03 -0400

The Devil went up to Georgia (Hell is below most everywhere, geographically speaking) looking for a soul to steal. Some guy with a fiddle told the Devil that he could have his soul if he out-fiddled him, so the Devil just took his soul.

The Devil went to Cabo San Lucas for Spring Break. Incorrigible.

MMA Idiocy Power Rankings

Fri, 17 May 2013 12:27:37 -0400

I’m bored on my lunch break and I came up with an idea based on recent events. This is meant to rank those in the MMA sphere, be they media, fighter, or otherwise, who have displayed exemplary idiocy. I’ve left off a few people (Lloyd Irvin, namely) in the interest of keeping it somewhat lighter in tone, but rest assured that he is an idiot. Without further ado, the MMA Idiocy Power Rankings:

1. Matt Mitrione
Mitrione’s transphobic, disgusting rant about Fallon Fox while visiting on the MMA Hour is the real high-water mark (low-water mark?) for idiocy among those in the MMA community in recent memory. Though the UFC was quick to forgive and forget (and reward Mitrione with a fairly big fight), Mitrione’s idiocy will stand the test of time.

2. Front Row Brian
A perennial contender to top these power rankings, MMA “media” “personality” Front Row Brian mixes a faux-edgy personality and a penchant for conspiracy theory into a lovely mix of stupid. Specifically, the reason for his current place on this list is his recent conspiratorial garbage in relation to the Boston Marathon bombings. Tact has never been his strong point (if someone can let me know what his strong point is, that would be great), but the tinfoil hat routine is exceptionally grating.

3. Nate Diaz
The 209 crew is well-known for their abrasive attitude and confrontational nature, so this most recent indiscretion is far from surprising. However, it is a step up in the outright stupidity category. Nate’s choice of descriptor for fellow fighter Brian Caraway, which I won’t bother to repeat, is exactly the sort of behavior that will land a UFC employee in hot water (at least in 2013). Honorable mention to manager Mike Kogan for his boneheaded response to the initial tweet.

4. Joe Rogan
As the UFC’s color commentator, Rogan is given more chances than most to make a fool of himself. A few months ago, he made an unfortunate homophobic joke on FX that set off a string of impressive idiocy. Following that, on his podcast, Rogan made some less than informed comments about Fallon Fox. They were not as egregious and outwardly hateful as Mitrione’s, but they were certainly hurtful. Even later, Rogan talked about the strong character of Lloyd Irvin, a man whose reprehensible behavior speaks for itself.

5. Dana White
Dana White, the president of the UFC and foremost MMA hypocrite, is a constant fountain of idiocy, and as such there will always be a place for him on this list. Though recently he has been relatively innocuous, his comments in a recent article on the makeup of UFC contracts do not paint him in a good light.

Blocked

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:15:06 -0400

It was Spring of 2013 and Nick had writer’s block. At a loss for ideas, he decided to write about his writer’s block. Too self-referential? Probably. Had it been done before? Surely. But did that matter? Of course not, anything to get him writing again.

So Nick wrote about his writer’s block. It took some time to get started, he needed an angle to attack it from. He took one of his favorite approaches to framing a story, setting the scene very minimally with a time, place, or date to establish the world. Given his circumstances at the time as a blocked writer in the Spring of 2013, he started with “It was Spring of 2013 and Nick had writer’s block.” At first it seemed like a difficult subject to tackle in any depth, but by the time he was writing the second paragraph, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And so Nick finished writing about his writer’s block.

The Day After The Day After The Day After Tomorrow

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 18:18:00 -0400

The year is 2221. The former Earth town of Jupiter, Florida has relocated to Mars and has been newly christened Jupiter, Mars. The reason for the exodus was less glamorous than many previous space colonizations such as Anchorage, Alaska moving to the Earth’s moon as a publicity stunt for a movie being made about the town. But nothing so fancy for Jupiter, these people were moving because the Earth was mere hours from destruction at the hands of a large, angry cockroach. The fatal flaw of this pest and its plan was its probable inability to survive outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, not even twinkies could suffer such a fate.

And so, the residents of Jupiter, Mars tried to make a go of it. But Mars sucks. The terraforming was only a few decades old when they arrived and the atmosphere was breathable, but only barely. This greatly restricted the physical activity of the residents, and they became hopelessly depressed.

After three years of miserable existence on Mars, the residents of Jupiter received the break they had been waiting for. A giant cockroach floated into their orbit, landed on Mars, and destroyed all of Jupiter, Mars in seconds. Gross.

Not Alone In This

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 17:46:00 -0400

I hold your hand and tell you that I’m scared to try. I’m scared to fail. You reassure me and tell me it will all be great, but I’m lacking in self-confidence. You assure me that I’m not alone in this, and so I begin.

I try my very best to play “Through The Fire And Flames” on expert in Guitar Hero III and fail within seconds. I crumple up into a ball and tell you it’s over. I can’t take all the lying.

A Deeper Meaning

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 18:35:25 -0400

Matt left his house in search of some sort of deeper meaning to his life. He visited the pond around the corner from his home and stared into the not-nearly-as-blue-as-it-should-be body of water for nearly an hour. Alas, there was no meaning to be found. Matt walked to the highway overpass and watched traffic stop and start for a bit. There was certainly some symbolism to it, but it was nothing profound. He visited the local McDonald’s, he so rarely treated himself to such cheap, delicious garbage, and he was on an adventure.

Two hours later, Matt was back on his block running for home with a severe case of food poisoning. He arrived home just in time, but found that he had locked himself out. Defeated twice over, Matt collapsed in the driveway and considered the deeper meaning of his life.

Burning

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 21:23:26 -0400

Kevin burned everything that reminded him of Janet. The pictures of the two of them ballroom dancing? Burned. The dress she left in his closet? Burned. His closet? Burned. His apartment? Up in flames.

When the police arrived, Kevin was halfway through undressing and burning the clothes off his back. They loaded him into the back of the car while the firefighters arrived on scene.

The prison cell reminded Kevin of Janet, but it wouldn’t burn.

Internet Connectivity Blues

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 17:37:00 -0400

I have internet connectivity problems
Problems connecting with the world outside
My laptop says I have internet connectivity problems

Comcast Cares
Sort of
But I don’t want to talk to customer service
Or anyone
So I have internet connectivity problems
Until this shit fixes itself

The God Couple - Season 2, Episode 1This is another script for...

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 16:48:00 -0400

The God Couple - Season 2, Episode 1
This is another script for part of an episode of The God Couple, starring Benson Henderson and Fedor Emelianenko as mismatched roommates trying to make their way in the world. Please check out the past 3 episode excerpts that I’ve written if you haven’t, and the new one is right here.

Previous episodes: 1. http://tmblr.co/ZEItXwIMS70C 2. http://tmblr.co/ZEItXwISwa0l 3. http://tmblr.co/ZEItXwKmDZeU

I wrote a script thing sort of about Dana White’s business...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 15:18:00 -0400

I wrote a script thing sort of about Dana White’s business savvy. Enjoy.

What If God Was One Of Us? (You know, like that shitty song)

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 21:28:36 -0500

Max spent twenty-four consecutive hours constructing his newest city in Sim City. There were some hiccups along the way, but Max was finally proud to call himself the mayor of Buttsboro. All roads in Buttsboro lead to the Buttsboro Academy of the Arts, an art school responsible for molding the minds of Buttsboro’s most talented aspiring artists.

Max spent twenty-four hours building Buttsboro, and then he spent nine hours in a contented slumber. And when Max woke up, he spent twenty-four seconds unleashing every available natural disaster in Sim City upon the citizens of Buttsboro.

Max began construction on his next project, Buttsville, shortly after eating cake for breakfast.

My Way Or The Highway

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 20:17:25 -0500

It was late September and we were happy. I had moved into Kelly’s apartment with her and we were spending more time together than ever. Life was good.

By late October everything was falling apart. Many of my charms had quickly worn off and become irritating, chief among them my tendency to sing the entirety of Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’” incessantly in my sleep.

In December, she left for good. It was my fault really, I refused to compromise on any of the major issues. I realized later that it probably wasn’t necessary to be so steadfast in my belief that we should listen to “Break Stuff” on repeat at the dinner table every night. Also she really didn’t like hot dog flavored water.

The Flood

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 17:38:51 -0500

The flood destroyed most of our worldly possessions. The house was uninhabitable, the car floated down the street (less-than-affectionately nicknamed “Canal Street”), and all of our electronics were ruined. All we had left was each other and my life-sized painting of Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre The Giant. And then you left. So now it’s just me, Hulk, and Andre.

We’ll be okay.

"MA'AM" - MEN AGAINST ASSHOLES & MISOGYNY: Nick Yidiaris is a "MA'AM"

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 20:06:23 -0500

"MA'AM" - MEN AGAINST ASSHOLES & MISOGYNY: Nick Yidiaris is a "MA'AM":

menagainstassholesandmisogyny:

Women have to deal with the sort of sexism and harassment on a daily basis that most men will never experience in their lives. This is easily observed by visiting a restaurant or convenience store and taking notice of how the male and female employees are treated by their customers. This can range…

I wrote this for this project because I felt that it was important.

The Giant Deep Sea Creature Chronicles 3: Film Noir

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 18:17:00 -0500

Six months after it had terrorized Chicago, the giant deep sea creature was released from rehab. It had agreed to undergo rehabilitation in order to conquer its myriad addictions, chief among them human bone powder and murder. Clean and rededicated, the giant deep sea creature finally decided to resume its film career. No major studio was willing to take a chance on a creature whose vices included stepping on people, but the creature had a passion project that it intended to pursue. The creature would write, direct and star in a noir detective short film.

What appears below is the creature’s pitch and outline of the short film, as well as an excerpt from the script.

Sleep With The Sea Creatures is a film styled after the noir films of a bygone era. It is a black and white film set in the modern day. It centers around a gruff, alcoholic detective named Steve Creecher (Giant Deep Sea Creature) in New York City who is alerted to the murder of his wife, Karen (Miyam Biyalik), by an anonymous phone call in the middle of the night. The caller tells Creecher that his wife, who had been out of town on business, was killed in a hotel room in Glendale, Arizona by the notorious gangster Carl Urchin (John Leguizamo). Devastated and driven to take revenge, Creecher resolves to travel to Glendale to investigate his wife’s murder and track down Urchin. Low on cash and high in blood alcohol content, Creecher drives across the country in his Daewoo Lanos, arriving in Glendale only two days after hearing of his wife’s death.

Reeking of alcohol and lacking in identification, Creecher has no luck in soliciting the help of local police, and strikes out on his own. Through a series of increasingly intense interviews with locals who had heard about a woman who had been murdered in the area, Creecher tracks down Urchin’s headquarters in the back of a Subway sandwich shop. Creecher charges in guns blazing, and in a bloody and violent confrontation, both men are killed. The police investigate the scene and try to put the pieces together.

Back in New York, Creecher’s wife returns home from her business trip with her boyfriend James (Mark Ruffalo) in tow. The two had met in Glendale several years before and their relationship had grown over the years. Her boyfriend was a gangster in the employ and the debt of Carl Urchin. On her most recent trip to Glendale, the two had come up with a plan to solve both of their problems and start a new life together. When their plan was finalized, all that was left was for James to make the call. The two settle down, contented by the freedom they had claimed for themselves.
Excerpt From Script:

The Twilight Zone

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 21:19:00 -0500

Jason completed his script for a new The Twilight Zone film on New Years Day, 2014. He had awoken bright and early and written for six hours, interrupted intermittently by the sound of the marathon of The Twilight Zone that he had on in the background. Jason’s screenplay revolved around a guy who finished writing his script for a new The Twilight Zone film while watching the marathon of The Twilight Zone on New Years Day. However, the author realizes that his film was about a man named Jason who finishes his script for the new The Twilight Zone movie while watching a marathon of The Twilight Zone on New Years Day.

When the police, in response to a missing person’s report, broke down the door to Jason’s apartment, they found only a handwritten script for a new The Twilight Zone film and a note welcoming them to The Twilight Zone, signed by Rod Serling.

A Song

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 20:08:44 -0500

I wrote you a song. I can’t play an instrument and I can’t carry a tune, but I wrote you a song. I forgot all the words, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wrote you a song.

No, I didn’t forget our anniversary, I wrote you a song.

Nightmares

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 20:29:33 -0400

Nate suffered from vivid recurring nightmares that filled him with anxiety. These dreams gone bad weren’t populated by monsters or killers, but by disappointed parents and college professors. In his dreams, Nate would wake up and realize that he had overslept for an important test, or that he had in fact accidentally blown off class for months at a time. Upon his return to class, he found that he was failing miserably and that there was no way that he could turn it around. The dread that permeated his consciousness caused such a visceral reaction that Nate was jarred awake.

In the waking world, Nate had long since graduated from college (he had never failed a class), but he was still chased by the same anxieties and pressures. He had a very real fear of disappointing the people that he cared about, as well as the natural preference to avoid being yelled at by those who he had to answer to. For the first few years after his graduation, Nate worked in data entry, and it was a fairly straightforward waste of his college education, but he still feared the wrath of his boss, should he slip up. As a result, his work was always perfect. Fear can be a powerful motivator, but it also caused Nate undue stress.

Two years and one nervous breakdown later, Nate was unemployed. His boss had been released from the hospital with only minor injuries, but he wasn’t the forgiving sort. Nate was shrewd enough to have saved some money during his illustrious data entry career, and had lined up an internship with an architectural firm in the near future, which led to a few months of would-be carefree living. But every night he’d jolt awake, he had failed somehow.